Thursday, July 5, 2012

Kinky Shit I Learned From 50 Shades of Grey

“This is a man in need. His fear is naked and obvious, but he's lost. . . Somewhere in his darkness.
His eyes wide and bleak and tortured. I can soothe him. Join him briefly in the darkness and bring him into the light.” E. L. James, Fifty Shades of Grey

  1.  If you want to impress a woman and make your psychotic issues less important, forget flowers and candy, a ride in a helicopter, hang glider, or sailboat named after your mother will do much better. Knowing how to sexually please her and wanting to please her is equally important. A hot tryst in the elevator is helpful when trying to reel her in.Who knew?
  2.   I learned practical uses for a crop, flog, and hogtie, and none of those uses have anything to do with animals on a farm.
  3.  An ultimate pacifier is not a wonderful item to sooth your crying infant and nipple clamps are not an apparatus used for hanging drying baby bottle nipples.
  4. Addressing someone by Mr. or Miss. over and over during flirtatious word play grows on you and you find yourself teasingly calling your husband Mr. Grey, which he does not find in the least bit exciting or funny. Ah hum. Michael.  :-)
  5.  A spreader bar does not spread around awesome  free mixed drinks. However, using so said bar really helps get you into shape for that Yoga lesson you have been putting off. 
  6. When introduced to 2 silver balls on a ribbon, the classic song Jingle Bells from Christmas is farthest from your mind. You then ask your husband if he knows what Ben-Wah balls are, and he says “Yes of course, those are the Chinese stress balls right?” With a great sigh of relief you smile and say, “Yes that’s right dear.” –admission I did not know the correct name of 2 silver balls on a ribbon, I feared if I googled that info it would result in it being stored in my internet history and the FBI would knock down my door for being a freak so instead I shyly asked my best friend who immediately answered my inquiry. Who knew she was so informed? Kinky slut!
  7.  I will never look at a man with a walking cane the same way.  Ever. Again.
  8.  No matter how fucked up you are, if you make one hundred thousand dollars an hour, have copper colored wavy hair, wear your pants hanging on your hips, in that sexy way, and buy a woman an Audi after your second date, she will keep coming back for more of your "kinky fuckery".
  9.  The most romantic way to ask a woman for her hand in marriage is after you admit to being a sadist. Can’t fail here guys!
  10. Breaking up with your guy after he confesses his deepest darkest sexual desires to beat you with toys (and you let him); then after reconciling your relationship asking him to use those toys on you again sends mixed messages people. Pick which side of the Tantric chair you are going to be tied up on and stick with it damn it! 
 “I thought I'd broken you."
"Broken? Me? Oh no, Ana. Just the opposite."
He reaches out and takes my hand. "You're my lifeline'" he whispers.” 
E. L. James, Fifty Shades of Grey

     Hey, everyone has issues right? When you fall in love with someone and choose to stay, you accept these issues and make it your life mission to change accept them. Or you don’t stay and you walk away. You may walk away with your dignity still intact and possibly un-whipped, however most likely you will just meet another fucked up person with even more issues and less wavy hair.  I mean who’s really normal now-a-days? If you do decide to stay, though, you must be committed to helping with those issues, you must give unconditional love, and you must give 100% trust in the love you have for this person. If you wake up one day and find yourself wanting to run like Forest Gump, well just buy a ball gag and hand cuffs, slap them on your partner and lock’em in a closet.  Make a cup of Twinning’s English Breakfast Tea and curl up to 50 Shades of Grey. By Chapter 5 you will eagerly release your partner after realizing they aren’t so fucked up after all.  If this plan fails to make you take off those running shoes, then have lots and lots of orgasmic sex all over the house because awesome sex always makes a stressful situation better. Oh and don’t forget sex on the piano. Yay, you get laid and play music at the same time. Who doesn’t like to multitask?

Forcing myself these last few days to read this series will be seared in my mind filed under my important life lessons. I of course only did this for you, my faithful followers, so you wouldn't have to deceive your spouse pretending to have the worse case of cramps on the fourth of July so that you could lay in bed under a heating pad all day while smiling deliciously at your Kindle Fire!

You. Are. Very. Welcome.

Laters, Baby. ;)

Dear Bloggers, Readers, and Stalkers- If you like what you read here why not officially follow me?  I feel pretty pathetic with only 11 followers, (you 11 Followers totally ROCK though!) and once I figure out how to ad ads to my blog I will need many visitors to make enough money to buy me more Erotica Porn Valium Vodka Beer Sugar Babies.

XOXOXO (I never know when to stop) XO,
Your Sometimes Delusional Throw Away Doll

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Night of Pleasure, Island Hoppers

     At the last moment Friday, I randomly threw together an evening get away with Michael. I begged pleaded asked my sister to watch Marcella so he and I could go to Galveston for the night. Now, anyone who knows me knows I do not do spontaneous. I am a plan ahead, like far in advance, 6 months a head, kind of girl. Alas, I have been standing at the edge of the cliff of despair lately and my relationship has taken a toll of it. I owed it to myself, to my husband, and to our marriage to splurge a little. Let loose and fancy free?  Foot loose and free fancy? Get the hell out of dodge or at least as much as $200 bucks could get you at last moment. 
 See what happens when you don't plan ahead, no, I don't mean the traffic, I mean the lack of a good pedicure for a photo shot of you waiting for the damn ferry.
     Our little stretch of the Gulf Coast isn’t the most beautiful coast in the United States. The oil rigs and many hurricanes have left it destroyed. Experiencing it is still amazing though. To get to Galveston Island we go west on Highway 73 through Winnie Texas. We use to love going down Highway 87 via Sabine Pass (Old Beach Road), but this road has been closed for many years, unrepaired since Hurricane Jerry in 1989. Rumor has it, it is now a nude beach and if you’re brave enough, you can drive around the barriers and sun bathe there. I of course have never attempted this because I always forget my sunscreen I am a lady and that would be wrong.

 (No I DO NOT know who that person is, I googled McFaddin Beach looking for a picture of the barriers and that picture came up)

      The wait for the ferry is like a crap shoot. It could be less then thirty minutes or four days. Okay, not really four days, but in the Texas heat, it seems like an eternity. Once on the ferry though, it is like a mini cruise line, sorta, well minus the food, the alcohol, the entertainment, wait what was I saying? Oh yeah, like a mini cruise uhm we got birds y'all. That's it.

Texas invented Crazy Birds Y'all

Okay, birds and pride

      I tried to take a professional photograph on the top level deck of the ferry, but the wind whipped our asses, so we had to go inside the viewing room for a nice enough shot.

Ass Whipped Shot

Sweet shot

On a ferry watching a ferry, isn't he cute?

I wasn't really feeding the birds, but pretending to feed the birds to trick y'all, I ate the only damn crackers I could find (left over from Marci's school snack) because I was fucking hungry! The birds did not think this was funny and in revenge tried to shit on me. Michael however, did laugh pretty hard at the site of it all. It was good to hear him laugh, even if it was at me.

     When we finally got to the island we headed straight to Bubba Gump's Restaurant,  I hadn't shared any of the crackers with Michael and now he was starving. We had to park about 2 miles down the road on the seawall and walk to the newly opened Pleasure Pier were Gump's is located. Once we got there 10 hours later, fat ass people take a while to walk three miles y'all, the matridee metreedee person who sits you, an eighteen year old girl with a smirked grin said it would be a two hour long wait, and I about fainted. Michael said sweetly, "We can go somewhere else baby", and I gave him the I fucking just walked 4 miles shithead look and so he sighed and put our name on the list.

  Shortly after we were told by a sweet young man, that the bar was first come first serve, so I dragged Michael in and hoovered closely over a couple sitting there enjoying their meal. Within minutes, hassled free, they finished fast and we had a sweet spot at the bar close to the beer draft and I was good to go! I didn't get a photo of the restaurant, because I was too busy getting smashed, eating, but here is a shot of the entrance to the new fun packed pier.

     Instead of paying the $20's to walk down the pier and watch people puke after getting off the rides, I decided I wanted to buy Marci some gifts instead. We found her a cute little dolphin necklace with rhinestones and a pirate's telescope. After this, we headed to the hotel. I did not take pictures of what happened in the hotel room because I am not a porn star, I don't want you to get jealous of what my husband is packing in his suitcase, I am a lady, damn can't y'all remember that? I do however have a beautiful picture of the nightly pleasure you can receive at Galveston Texas.

Taken from 6 miles away where our car was parked.

All in all, our night was very wonderful, and if you get a chance, take a moment and do something spontaneous. It may just bring you great pleasure.

M & M

All Photography was taken on an IPhone 4 and edited in an app called Pixlromatic. All Photography is copyright, please ask before using.

Dear Bloggers, Readers, and Stalkers- If you like what you read here why not officially follow me?  I feel pretty pathetic with only 11 followers, (you 11 Followers totally ROCK though!) and once I figure out how to ad ads to my blog I will need many visitors to make enough money to buy my refills of Valium Vodka Beer Sugar Babies.

XOXOXO (I never know when to stop) XO,
Your Sometimes Delusional Throw Away Doll