Thursday, July 5, 2012

Kinky Shit I Learned From 50 Shades of Grey


“This is a man in need. His fear is naked and obvious, but he's lost. . . Somewhere in his darkness.
His eyes wide and bleak and tortured. I can soothe him. Join him briefly in the darkness and bring him into the light.” E. L. James, Fifty Shades of Grey

  1.  If you want to impress a woman and make your psychotic issues less important, forget flowers and candy, a ride in a helicopter, hang glider, or sailboat named after your mother will do much better. Knowing how to sexually please her and wanting to please her is equally important. A hot tryst in the elevator is helpful when trying to reel her in.Who knew?
  2.   I learned practical uses for a crop, flog, and hogtie, and none of those uses have anything to do with animals on a farm.
  3.  An ultimate pacifier is not a wonderful item to sooth your crying infant and nipple clamps are not an apparatus used for hanging drying baby bottle nipples.
  4. Addressing someone by Mr. or Miss. over and over during flirtatious word play grows on you and you find yourself teasingly calling your husband Mr. Grey, which he does not find in the least bit exciting or funny. Ah hum. Michael.  :-)
  5.  A spreader bar does not spread around awesome  free mixed drinks. However, using so said bar really helps get you into shape for that Yoga lesson you have been putting off. 
  6. When introduced to 2 silver balls on a ribbon, the classic song Jingle Bells from Christmas is farthest from your mind. You then ask your husband if he knows what Ben-Wah balls are, and he says “Yes of course, those are the Chinese stress balls right?” With a great sigh of relief you smile and say, “Yes that’s right dear.” –admission I did not know the correct name of 2 silver balls on a ribbon, I feared if I googled that info it would result in it being stored in my internet history and the FBI would knock down my door for being a freak so instead I shyly asked my best friend who immediately answered my inquiry. Who knew she was so informed? Kinky slut!
  7.  I will never look at a man with a walking cane the same way.  Ever. Again.
  8.  No matter how fucked up you are, if you make one hundred thousand dollars an hour, have copper colored wavy hair, wear your pants hanging on your hips, in that sexy way, and buy a woman an Audi after your second date, she will keep coming back for more of your "kinky fuckery".
  9.  The most romantic way to ask a woman for her hand in marriage is after you admit to being a sadist. Can’t fail here guys!
  10. Breaking up with your guy after he confesses his deepest darkest sexual desires to beat you with toys (and you let him); then after reconciling your relationship asking him to use those toys on you again sends mixed messages people. Pick which side of the Tantric chair you are going to be tied up on and stick with it damn it! 
 “I thought I'd broken you."
"Broken? Me? Oh no, Ana. Just the opposite."
He reaches out and takes my hand. "You're my lifeline'" he whispers.” 
E. L. James, Fifty Shades of Grey

 
     Hey, everyone has issues right? When you fall in love with someone and choose to stay, you accept these issues and make it your life mission to change accept them. Or you don’t stay and you walk away. You may walk away with your dignity still intact and possibly un-whipped, however most likely you will just meet another fucked up person with even more issues and less wavy hair.  I mean who’s really normal now-a-days? If you do decide to stay, though, you must be committed to helping with those issues, you must give unconditional love, and you must give 100% trust in the love you have for this person. If you wake up one day and find yourself wanting to run like Forest Gump, well just buy a ball gag and hand cuffs, slap them on your partner and lock’em in a closet.  Make a cup of Twinning’s English Breakfast Tea and curl up to 50 Shades of Grey. By Chapter 5 you will eagerly release your partner after realizing they aren’t so fucked up after all.  If this plan fails to make you take off those running shoes, then have lots and lots of orgasmic sex all over the house because awesome sex always makes a stressful situation better. Oh and don’t forget sex on the piano. Yay, you get laid and play music at the same time. Who doesn’t like to multitask?

Forcing myself these last few days to read this series will be seared in my mind filed under my important life lessons. I of course only did this for you, my faithful followers, so you wouldn't have to deceive your spouse pretending to have the worse case of cramps on the fourth of July so that you could lay in bed under a heating pad all day while smiling deliciously at your Kindle Fire!

You. Are. Very. Welcome.


Laters, Baby. ;)
M.




Dear Bloggers, Readers, and Stalkers- If you like what you read here why not officially follow me?  I feel pretty pathetic with only 11 followers, (you 11 Followers totally ROCK though!) and once I figure out how to ad ads to my blog I will need many visitors to make enough money to buy me more Erotica Porn Valium Vodka Beer Sugar Babies.

XOXOXO (I never know when to stop) XO,
Your Sometimes Delusional Throw Away Doll


6 comments:

  1. Very nice. I have yet to venture to actually reading those books. Though I did pick up the set in a target and begin reading the covers when a girl and her mom walked buy and said something about them and I got completely and utterly embarrassed and set them back down and walked away kinda sad i didn't have the balls (no ribbon) to buy them then and there. Maybe next time.

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    1. HaHa, I can see where that would be embarrassing, that's why I love my Kindle, no one knows what I am reading. Thank You for commenting! :)

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  2. OMG... did you do the drawing on your banner? I just realized i bought some art for my sister in law off etsy and it looked just like that. Are you the artist?

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    1. No I am not the artist. I found the png file online, and could not locate the artist. Please give me a link to the etsy shop so I can see if it belongs to her. TY.

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  3. The books were awesome and have changed my point of view on some things. I read all three in about a week on my ipad, also incognito ;)

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    1. I agree, that whole world was unknown to me, and I was the first to say, "Freaks". Now not so much. It is more about knowing what you like and taking charge. And also, taking the moment to not judge someone, realizing there might be deep seeded conditions that have shaped them into what the are today.

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